How to Organize Your Briefcase Rightly

WrittenBy:James L. Wiley
I saw Karate Kid this week with my children; Jackie Chan was marvelous as usual, as was Jaden Smith. Apart from being very entertaining however, the moviedoes serve to remind usthat bullying is an international and cross cultural problem. I struggled to understand bullying as a child and I supposepart of me imagined that our world would eventually see it for what itis and decide to do more lifeenhancing practices, but disappointingly itis still undeniably presentin schools, workplaces, politics both national and international, within relationships and across societies and cultures.

We witness manyinstances in schools, we also witness managers intimidate staff, staff intimidate managers, parents bully their own children, sports coachesbully prot��g��s, husbands and wives bully each other, siblings bully siblings, corporations bully governments, governments bully well, just about everybody, countries bully countries, and the USA perhaps has a little room for improvement?

We should meetabuse by forbearance. Human nature is so constituted that if we take absolutely no notice of anger orabuse, the person indulging in it will soon weary of it and stop -Mahatma Gandhi

On the face of it thereare two sides tothe story. The bully and the victim or more commonly, the 'good guy' andthe 'bad guy'. It is easy to determine; a bully is someone who imposes themselves on the space of the victim and demands something, or behaves in anintimidating or threatening manner and the victim is the person/organization/country etc. on which the bully inflicts their behavior. The victim'sresponse is often determined by whether their fightresponse or the flight response is triggered. If the bully has accurately assessed their target; and trust me they do shop around for the perfectcandidate, it willgenerally be a person/organization etc. who predominantly prefers the flight response as a primary means of resolving conflict.

As a general rule in our western culture, bullying is honoured and glorified through the medium of television and movies. Given the content of anaverage Saturday night's programmes we appear to be quite comfortable viewing acts ofviolence and dominance. It is ironic that we are happy to watch people kill and maim each other for entertainment and yet still wonder at the violence and aggression demonstrated in our world.

But I digress, what is less obvious is that in order for a bully to feel compelled to action, they must first feel threatened or inadequate in some way and interestingly enough, this is not always by the person they are intimidating. The mere fact that they use aggressive or dominant behaviour to gain significance,by default shows that they are feeling a senseof fear, lack or weakness. The mistake they make is the belief that making someone else feel small will increase their own sense of personal power. What theyactually find from theaggressive behaviour is a momentary distractionfrom their internal discomfort but then their own pain is immediatelyincreased as a result of causing suffering to another person. They are of course totallyoblivious to this pattern and it remains deeply embedded in the unconscious. Thisis demonstrated in the same way whether it be in school yards, marriages, relationships, politics or the business and corporate sectors.

In relation to bullying, it perhaps serves our purpose better to ask the question; Who is the real victim?
You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger - Buddha
I am really lucky and eternally grateful to have had firsthand experience of bullying as a child beginning in primary school. In retrospect it was a very interesting experience and I didn't appreciate the lasting positive lessons it would ultimately teach me.

At the time I couldn't really understand why I was targeted. I thought it might have been because I had so many brothers (6), or because I owned a pony (instant snob apparently), or because although I attended a Catholic school my parents did not make me go to church regularly which differentiated me from most of the children there (evidently being different is a bad thing). It was probably simply because I was so skinny and so quiet and shy, in fact, as time passes I think the fact that I have remained skinny is even now deeply irritating to many of my friends although thankfully they are all much too grown up and loving for bullying.

Whatever reason it was, I was apparently an interesting prospect. In my primary school in the North of England there was one girl in particular who decided I had superb 'victim' potential. I will call her Jane but this is of course not her real name and I would hasten to add, we were young children and she has probably grown up into a marvelous adult or at least I hope so.

Anyway, Jane didn't like me much at all. To make matters worse she was about twice my size in height and verybig and muscle-bound which was a little intimidating. One day, whenI was about 8 years old, Iarrived at school tofindthat no-one inmygroupof friendswas talking to me, at all.Imeanreally nottalking;they didn'tevenlookatme.Iwasutterlyrejected and outcastwhichwasconfusingand deeplyhurtfulespecially as included in this group wasmybestfriendSarah. As itlaterturned out, apparently Janehad banned them from associating with me. A few days after my banishment from the group, Sarah secretly handed me a letter in which she deeply apologised for not talking to me and swore her undying love and support. She told me via the letter that she felt compelled to follow Jane's orders but wanted me to know that she loved me and felt terrible about the whole thing. Cold comfort really when you are 8 years old.

This problem continued for me on and off and to varying degrees throughout primary school. Although Jane and I went to the same high school we had very little contact with each other until one evening at the local youth club. Now this was one of my very early, very self-conscious social experiences as a teenager. I have an awful feeling that I might have been wearing skin-tight, deep pink satin trousers but don't tell anyone. Our local youth club opened its doors on Friday nights and invited the youth of the area to come and listen to music and play ping-pong and pool. I was about 12 at the time. Sarah, my 'not so loyal' friend, was leaving for Scotland and we were having a little farewell gathering to say goodbye. We were sitting together around a table and for some reason Sarah thought it was funny to tap me with her shoe. I found this rather annoying and despite my protests she wouldn't stop. Eventually, I loudly and heatedly, told her to leave me alone. Unbeknownst to me Jane, (the Amazon sized super bully) must have been watching us from a distance and came flying over to where we were sitting. Remembering that as she was twice as tall as me and had a very strong build, and I was skinny as a rake and sitting down; she towered over me like some angry fire-breathing dragon. She furiously insisted I step outside and fight her. It was so ridiculous, almost like a warped movie script.

I think it was at that moment I snapped, I had enough. I was so sick and tired of being intimidated and pushed around and I was, for the first time with anyone outside of my immediate family, passionately, unreservedly and absolutely, wild with anger. I stood up and glared at Giant Jane and yelled, as loud as I could, Are you out of your mind? Have you seen the size of you and the size of me? Has it not occurred to you that we are girls? If you think for one second that I am going to go out into a car park so that you can mash me into the ground then you have got another think coming! She was so shocked by my reaction (as was I to a certain degree), that she deflated on the spot. She turned and walked away and that was that.

A few weeks later Jane approached me on the school bus. She apologised for her behavior and told me that she was having great difficulties at home. She was an adopted child with a problematic and aggressive father and things had not been going easily for her.

So, again, my question is, who was the real victim and who experienced the most suffering during all those years?

I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent- Mahatma Gandhi

What does this teach us that we can use to help both children & adults facing bullies? Well, firstly, the understanding that bullies invariably have difficulties in their lives can add a necessary dose of compassion to an often emotion filled situation. It doesn't necessarily solve the problem but it can help in the solution finding process.

Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit - Napoleon Hill

Human beings are not naturally aggressive or unkind. Unprovoked aggression is not our first instinct. We are naturally inclined to save, rescue and care for each other. It has been demonstrated time and time again that humans will put themselves at risk to save complete strangers. This is not basic animal nature; this is human nature and testament to our evolution from the primal state. Babies will cry when they hear someone crying, toddlers will comfort each other, children (and most adults) will be easily distressed by anger or violence. This is intrinsic to us and, when un-interfered with, our essential self.

Therefore, when faced with a bully, knowing that something has happened to them to distort the natural evolution of a healthy and happy individual, can at the very least, move you to a place of compassion.

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive - Dalai Lama

Secondly, what does the victim do? In understanding the structure of bullying, the victim can very quickly notice that in fact they hold all the power. They have a choice as to whether they behave aggressively or peacefully. They have a choice as to whether they feel the need to take steps or not. They have a choice as to whether they take the bully's behavior to be an indication of their value and self-worth, or simply the expression of an individual who is in pain that is seeking an avenue to channel through. They have a choice as to whether they take the bully seriously or not. They have a choice as to whether they stay in the situation where they are easily targeted or not. The point being here, the 'victim' has not one, but many choices.

You could argue that the bully also has a choice and this also would be true. However, bullies generally don't perceive the situation as a problem and are not aware or often even interested in the other choices that are available to them. The bully is not operating consciously, however the victim being in a neutral space is therefore more able to assess the situation and has as many choices as they can conceive of. The victim is not a victim by definition unless they choose to accept the role. The bully is driven by a need to dominate and overpower that is outside of their consciousness. They are compelled to find a victim on which they can project their own suffering onto. If you refuse to play the game, then the bully will continue searching until they find another. The whole bully/victim cycle requires that someone 'agrees' to be the victim. This cycle will only end when the bully tires of this pattern and seeks a different solution to their internal pain state. This is the beginning of their awakening from their deep sleep.

So, what understandings do we need to effectively combat bullying?

1. The 'Victim' Holds All The Power - Notice the balance of power is in the victim's favour. The bully is motivated by their own pain and is simply looking for an opportunity to unburden themselves. The victim chooses to either accept or reject the role of victim.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission - Mahatma Gandhi

2. Location, location, location - Do you stay or do you go? Where do you position yourself in relation to this person? Explore the options and make a conscious decision about what you can do to diffuse the situation or alter the status quo. This may be as simple as choosing to live/work/play in a different place and with different people or enjoy being by yourself for a time.

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy - Martin Luther King, Jr.

3. If the problem persists - Take Action. Remember that there are infinite choices available and you are only limited by your ability to imagine. Your mind contains all that is required to resolve the situation. If the problem has persisted over a length of time it simply demonstrates that you have not yet discovered the one thing you need to do. Most importantly, when considering the options, do remember that

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind - Mahatma Gandhi

...................................................it's all in our hands.